This is NOT your Nirvana

Fat Positive Literature and Bra/chub rub? question

2009-12-08T05:05:09Z

Hey there fatshionistas! I have two queries for you this evening:

Here's issue #1

I'm a poor as dirt 21-year-old college student. I don't have a clue what I weigh as I fluctuate all the time but I'm currently somewhere around a 22 in pants. As a family that celebrates Christmas my parents BOTH asked for a Christmas list. I gave a couple of DVD's and some typical college student needs. I asked for money for some new cute clothes as "the big gift" as I wear and literally have worn everything winter-y into the ground. Here is where the issue begins. My mother has never been supportive of the way I look. She is notorious for getting me gym memberships and diet books for birthdays and Christmases that I don't want and then accuses me of not using an expensive gift. She frequently will buy me clothes that are boxy andlook like something a middle-aged woman would wear and then telling me "Well, if you could fit into cuter clothes I would buy them for you!" She has been known to refer to me as the "academic daughter" while my sister is the "cute daughter." When she first met my boyfriend she commented TO HIM that "Maybe she'll have a reason to lose some weight look good now." It doesn't help that my sister is stick thin and barely eats anything. Ahhhhh! No wonder my self-esteem is in the basement. I know this makes her look like a terrible person. She really isn't, she is and has been supportive in many other ways, but this has really damaged our relationship, especially is the last couple of years.

Anyway, she said she and my father would only get me new clothes for Christmas if I "lost at least 20 pounds." After half an hour of bawling to my boyfriend, he suggested I get her a Christmas present of fat-positive literature. I think this is brilliant albeit maybe a little vindictive. I've been doing some research and come across some blogs and a few books, I've gone through some memories on here as well, but I really need something that will (hopefully) get to the heart of the matter and maybe help her realize what she is doing. I know that she won't change in a leap and a bound but I want to open up the conversation. I look to you, fatshionistas, for some help with this. I know you won't let me down!</p>

Issue the second:

I have a large chest, and I've been having a problem with a rash that is sometimes moist and sometimes dry, itchy red skin between and under my breasts. It's making a bra, especially an underwire impossible to wear lately. I have tried EVERYTHING. Tom's deodorant used to help it, and sometimes baby powder. My doctor suggested it was just yeast and prescribed me something for it. It worked for a couple of days but WITHOUT FAIL it was back. I put more on it and it stayed away for awhile with that. I think this might be, or be similar to a kind of chub rub, but I am just not sure. Now it's back and not responding to anything. Not only does it itch/hurt but it's fugly, and I want to not be limited to sports bras for the rest of my life. Anyone have any suggestions?

Apartments

2009-02-05T23:45:02Z

So Pittsburgh, I found out I need to move really really soon, like within a month or two. As an absolute last resort I can move back in with my parents, but I really really don't want to do that. I'm a student at Chatham, so ideally I would be moving from my current residence in the Northside to the Oakland/Shadyside area, or at the very least the East End areas.

I've gone back through the entries for about a year, getting some ideas of companies to call to inquire from. Unfortunately, I know that if I want to move to this area the cost of rent almost doubles in a lot of cases. I know the reality is that it will go up some but suggestions in the cheaper price range are especially helpful

So, any other suggestions other than the basic companies around that area to call? Anyone have any leads on someone who may need a renter or a roommate? I checked out Landorslum.com, craigslist, etc. all the basics to try and cover most of the bases. I will continue to look elsewhere, just checking here because you guys are so fabulous.

I'm a 20-year-old non-smoker. I went to CCAC for a year and a half and another college before that and I haven't lived at home either time so I'm rather independent. I just started as an English major at Chatham this semester and really enjoying it. I'm rather quiet and mostly keep to myself. I'm responsible but admittedly a little unorganized. However, I do make an effort to keep things clean, and am very respectful of others space and common spaces in that regard. I'm a night owl, but I usually just do homework or read during that time. I cook most of my own meals and bake fairly often so if you like sweets that's a plus. I work at a summer camp in Slippery Rock during most of June and July so odds are I would only be back a weekend or two during those months. I like my own space, and don't really spent a lot of time out. I sound a little boring, but really I just keep to myself most of the time and am a rather private person.

If anyone has anything else they want to know or any questions you can shoot me an email: dbird(at)chatham.edu

Dragons

2009-02-01T18:41:00Z

Again, missed out on a few days because life is annoying. Haha. But I think I am all clicked up. Please help with the silver especially. It only has 22 hours left :-(

How not to get me to vote for your candidate!

2008-04-21T04:11:54Z

Dear People Who (work, volunteer?) to call me up to get me to vote for your candidate on Tuesday,

I realize that putting off my massive huge amounts of biology studying causes me to be irritable on a Sunday afternoon. Yes, that is my own fault.

But, when you call me asking if you can count on my vote for your candidate, and then telling me in a condescending way that I "haven't really thought my decision through", when I say I am at the moment leaning towards the other candidate, is not a good way to get me to vote for yours. In fact, it caused me to be defensive and annoyed. Furthermore, being a total and complete arse when I ask a question about what your candidate's stance on something doesn't really help your case much either.

If your attitude is in any way indicative of the candidate you are supporting, I'm afraid my friend, that I can't support them.

Sincerely,

A Throughly Irritated Voter.

P.S. I realize that you were probably tired and overworked. But a little kindness, compassion, and patience can go a long way with a voter who is still mostly undecided.

P.P.S. Yes, you assumed correctly that I was young, but really what does that have to do with my ability to think things through? I have met plenty of people much older than I am who make far more rash and uneducated decisions than I do. At least I'm making an attempt here. :-(

,,,Sigh...despite my looming indecision, I am excited to vote on Tuesday. Then again I've been excited since the Kerry/Bush race, which was the first one I payed real attention to. :-D

Homework Playlist for April 08

2008-04-09T01:29:08Z

Um, so I have an odd taste in music that consists of just about everything. So I wanted to post my most recent homework play-list...Instead of doing homework.

Starless - Crossfade
Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland
These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding
Where is Your Heart - Kelly Clarkson
The King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1 - Neutral Milk Hotel
Ba Bump - Black Eyed Peas
Wonderboy - Tenacious D
Gotta Serve Somebody - Bob Dylan
You Talk Way Too Much - Nickelback
Bring the Night On - Eve 6
Sun Child - The Vines
Slipknot (live at the Paramount version) - Grateful Dead
In My Time of Dying - Led Zeppelin
Meeting of the Spirit - Mahavishnu Orchestra
Groundhog Day - Mayday Ft. Cee-Lo Green
More Than a Feeling - Boston
On My Way - Ingram Hill
Love Hater - Outkast
I've Got Dreams to Remember - Otis Redding
Hello, Goodbye - The Beatles

A peak into my musical tastes...which are all over the place. I am into Otis a lot recently. Man, what a musician...

estenirvana @ 2008-03-13T00:45:00

2008-03-13T04:48:08Z

I know this place has become bitch central for me but seriously??

I can't talk...my throat is awful looking...I'm still running a fever.

I would like to catch a break maybe once.

Tears and fears

2007-11-01T20:25:52Z

I want to cut off all my hair. Just shave it all off and care less. I can't though. I hate my hair...my eyes too...which are disgusting and watery and red. Not to mention dull and empty. I look like a hobo.

I wish I was a hobo.

I forgot what street my apartment was on today. Just plum forgot. I had to wander up two streets that weren't mine before I remembered where I was.

I can't remember my voice-mail password. I've had the same one since I got a cell phone at the end of 8th grade. It's frustrating.

I can't understand why my head won't shut up.

I have a cold, it's a pretty bad cold. My inhaler is almost out. I don't want to go back to the doctor. I never sleep the night before.

Nyquil is supposed to knock me out. It made me throw up. I tried Benadryl...and that crap Unisom which was a waste of money.

No food...Peppi's for dinner again. Kitchen is a mess.

Re-arranged the apartment. I feel better.

I hate sunshine. It gives me a headache.

Grampity paid for tickets to Oregon over winter break. I finally have something to look forward to.

Mollie will be home in a few months. We are going to watch the X-Files. I miss that. More than anyone can imagine.

Bad news, good news.

2007-10-31T05:42:42Z

I don't even know if people read this any more.

At any rate, I'm bored, because for once I don't have homework. So, a few points.

The last few weeks have been rough. And I've been trying to make it work for me, because nothing really seems to want to work itself out on its own. I've been trying to make the nights I don't sleep productive by doing homework or reading for class, but mostly doing crossword puzzles. The lack of sleep has been so much worse lately, and only exacerbated by the mess of indecision. I'm forgetting things I should be remembering, I have some hearing loss, voices sound garbled sometimes and especially on the phone. I'm mixing up words and phrases. I mean, these things happen to me sometimes but not like this, not this bad. I know it's because I'm not sleeping for 3 or 4 nights in a row and at best sleeping for 3 or 4 hours at best when I do. I tried sleeping pills, but I'm worried about becoming dependent and the ones I tried gave me horrible nightmares and restless leg syndrome when I was sitting in class. I cut out caffeine for a few days but that only made me excessively grumpy and pissed off. I have another cold, which is the 3rd one so far. My cough hasn't gone away yet. I have to take an inhaler 3 times a day now to keep from coughing. This is all because I'm exhausted.

It's frustrating, because I am just functioning with this. I want to not function, I want it to just do something, anything.

I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life. This is as much a problem as the lack of sleep. But I'm really okay, and all things considered, doing relatively well. It's funny, isn't it.

At any rate, I'm off to watch Conan and hope the dull roar of tv lulls me to a few hours of sleep.

Not that anyone ever reads this. And it's not like I need anyone to know.

2007-09-27T22:36:50Z

But I have to say it out loud. Because I'm bursting. But I won't say it, I'll burst.

I hate.

2007-09-05T04:37:26Z

I have become so bitter and cynical...I love it.

I thought I was a disney princess when I was little.

2007-04-30T06:52:54Z

There is line of wedding dresses that are based on Disney princesses...

This makes me happy.

HOLY ...I can't even tell you.

2007-04-02T08:40:43Z

http://www.emilieknits.com/

I wish I just had an inkling of her talent. Also, she spells her name like my sister, which made me happy, because almost NO ONE spells Emilie that way. It's a swiss spelling I believe, and at least for us, a family name.

I miss knitting...I think I'm going to buy yarn when I'm home next weekend and knit a hat to get back into practice with increasing and decreasing before attempting anything big like that really cute off-shoulder sweater thing. However, I have enough hats. My family all has hats, I need someone to make a hat for.

Any volunteers? All I need really are what color(s) you'd be partial to. I can make the kind with ear flaps, or just a basic ski cap, or these really cute ones that roll up at the bottom. I also have a pattern for those ones with the baseball cap thing on them. Basically I don't want to make one to sell because I need the practice and want to try new patterns and just have someone tell me colors rather than worrying about what will sell best. Oh, and if wool will make you itch or not. If I use wool I never use anything too scratchy in the first place, but it's nice to know. I've made cotton hats before too. So using cotton, or really any non-wool is not a problem.

So, if you want a hat, contact me here, at starling16@gmail.com, on AIM (Phinavigator5), on facebook, by phone. I mean really, whatever you want. And don't be shy about it. This is more for my benefit than yours. I plan on selling some knitting over the summer, for a much higher price than right now (which is free) so take advantage of it while you can.

Also I have a job at the preschool this summer. So yay me! Um, anyway. Yea, hats, DO IT!

Hate

2007-02-14T00:56:31Z

I hate anyone who had school canceled. You all suck major monkey balls. IT IS HAILING AND ALL WE GOT WERE EVENING CLASSES OFF.

Also, why couldn't we have had three snow days last year when I was in high school?

Bitches...

So Cold

2007-02-07T20:56:16Z

I never thought a place could suck as much as Pittsburgh...until I moved to Johnstown. No, actually that's not true. I didn't move to Johnstown, I moved to fucking Cambria County in the middle of the fucking woods outside of Johnstown. Yes, I live in the woods, if you walk out of my dorm you hit woods and snow. Lots of snow. It doesn't really stop snowing, or being cold here. The temperature here is about ten degrees colder (give or take a few degrees) than Pittsburgh.

This is the longest I've been away from home at one time and I'M NOT DEAD! I miss my animals and my friends. I miss my friends a lot more than I ever thought I would. Especially my closest ones. The ones I'm always bitching and moaning to (and of course vice versa). The ones that I have no qualms about telling anything to. The ones that make me nearly pee my pants laughing. They know exactly who they are. I miss their goddamn physical company so much. Spring break already has them scheduled in. Everyone else has to schedule around when I will be kidnapping them. God that's so cheesy! *grimaces*. I do miss them though.

Anyway, I'm getting a homesick feeling for people. Spring Break (March 4-11) is going to rock.

<3333333

THIRD GODDAMN POST...This one is actually important though.

2007-01-24T02:49:27Z

Third post today! This is getting a little on the pathetic side. Shows how much of a life I really have...which is none.

Anywho, I decided to ressurrect my relationship with Deadjournal. AKA turn the one I used (and didn't forget the password too) into a writing journal which can be found here--> http://rhymescheme.deadjournal.com/

Go, read, give feedback. I honestly don't care. Most of it is for my own sake. So that I can see what I've written and not lose it among the files on my computer and maybe be inspired every so often to at least go back to some of my writing and finish it.

There's some stuff up there now. Anyway...I'm going to go be tortured by the rest of the State of the Union.

Oh Oscar! You touch me in just the right spot!

2007-01-23T23:44:04Z

Little Miss Sunshine got nominated for best picture!!! It won't win. But it remains one of my favorites. Although, you never know, Crash won last year and that surprised the hell out of me. Not because it was a horrible movie, but because it just wasn't expected.

It's up there with the likes of Babel, The Departed, The Queen, oh and Letters from Iwo Jima. Although I'm not a fan of Clint Eastwood movies at all. Something about them makes my stomach churn. Maybe too much cheese and the fact that every movie he directs happens to be some kind of attempt to please the Oscar judges. I still don't see the hype with Million Dollar Baby. I thought Hilary Swank was particularly irritating and the movie in general just didn't do anything for me. Plus, the name Clint sounds like Clit so it's impossible for me to take him seriously.

The Departed and The Queen were excellent excellent movies. I actually didn't mind paying the money all that much. Well I didn't actually pay for either, but that's not the point. Little Miss Sunshine makes me pee my pants. It's amazing. I want someone to watch it with. Bethany hates anything with any humor. Or what I consider humorous.

Also I think my professor is muy caliente. It helps that he is also a humanitarian, and has been to tons of places and speaks four languages. No, it's not a crush. Also he lives about 5-10 minutes from my house in Pgh.

EDIT* Today sucked like monday, only it was the really bad disney sequel that only comes out on video.

I woke up in a bad mood. Might help if I had got more than 6 hours sleep in the last two days. Also, people can be really big stupids.

estenirvana @ 2007-01-19T16:03:00

2007-01-19T21:09:57Z

I hate when weather is painfully cold.

UPJ weather is really sucky. Like worse than anything Pittsburgh could throw my way.

I do not want to go back. :(

2007-01-15T19:20:29Z

At least here, my presence is always welcomed with affection and cuddles. Usually from Meta.

I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those people who lives alone with a lot of pets.

estenirvana @ 2006-12-29T22:18:00

2006-12-30T03:20:36Z

I was up until 7am. I am so tired I can't sleep.

All I sleep is want to do.

someone by me a pillow

Attention all CAPA Lit Artists.

2006-12-22T01:17:24Z

So Literary Arts kids...the Lit. Arts department is all going ice skating tomorrow. When I visited on Wednesday they said any and all alums are invited. It's from 1:30 to 3:30 at the PPG ice skating rink.

I'll be there. So you should come too.

Already?

2006-12-17T01:28:55Z

So my grades from last semester are JUST STARTING to come in...

And...this morning I get an e-mail with a homework assignment in it ALREADY for my poetry class next semester.

How wonderful.

Ah well, I get to write a poem. I'm excited. Hopefully the impending semester will be far better than the last one, and I won't feel so desperate to leave UPJ all the time. Maybe I'll meet some cooler people and feel less apathetic all the time. I mean, the situation with my roommate is a little awkward, but I'm not going through the whole moving out and meeting someone new who might be creepier and/or weirder.

Also, people are such fucktards sometimes. I did not enjoy my first semester of college. The academics were good for the most part though. I enjoyed my classes but really really disliked the atmosphere and the campus in general. People are really surprised when I say I didn't especially enjoy myself. They also tend to blame the fact that I hated it on me, like it's my fault I think it is boring as all get-out.

Anyway, got a bunch of christmas shopping done. Exciting.

Peace, Love, and your mom.

estenirvana @ 2006-12-15T21:17:00

2006-12-16T02:22:17Z

I have two grades in so far. And I am relatively happy.

Human Health and Disease: A
Western Civ 2: B+ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm excited about WC2 because most people (history majors too!) fail it the first time around. I studied in for that final like nobody's business. I could have had an A+ in HH&D if I wanted but laziness kicked in because well I'm a lazy son of a B.

Anyway, I felt the need to go and squeel about my B+ in that class because DAMN it feels good.

Bitchtastic

2006-12-07T05:24:21Z

I enjoy making bad decisions. I get a sadistic pleasure out of it. It's probably because I have become so apathetic. My life is uneventful besides school, homework, walking for hours a day, and watching law and order. I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing.

So I have this wild side that pokes through every now and again. It makes me feel completely devious, and like my life is not just a stinking pile of apathy and boredom. I enjoy that part of me, and not many people know it exists. I am, to many, the example of a tragicly plain, middle class, WASP, white bread, somewhat responsible, fat, closeted bitch.

Well damnit, if making decisions that result in an inkling of regret don't turn me on. Not even in the sexual way. I just feel awake. And I haven't felt awake since September. I feel like this college thing is only a really boring dream. It's as if this place has just sucked, and sucked, away all of my energy that results in feeling even partly human.

When I'm bored I regress into a place you don't want to ever have to go. I stay alive by living in my head. I get numb, cold, horribly cruel, and paranoid. I push away the people I care about. I will sleep 14 or 15 hours one day, and then not for two days. All stemming from boredom. I love to be thrilled. It's why I love scary movies and roller coasters. It's why I dream of living in Africa or India and experiencing a total culture shock. It is the adrenaline, and the rushing of sensation.

It is why when I searched for a college I searched for somewhere different than Pittsburgh, because I was bored with it. I found places, but being bored in high school caused me to be depressed and lazy as fuck and not do any work thereby resulting in a GPA that should have been higher. Then I didn't get into those places that would have been good for me. It is why everyone gets so pissed at me because "I have potential" but I was too lazy and trying to not suffocate from boredom. And it's why in my first semester of college I will have at lowest about a 3.8, because I was fucking challenged by my classes for the first time in my life.

And it's what causes me to realize all this about myself and laugh, and it may make you laugh because you probably know it's true.

I love you.

2006-11-21T05:32:29Z

Know what I really love? Having Wireless high speed internet.

And sleeping in my own bed.

And eating my mom's apple crisp.

And in general not being in Jizz-I mean Johnstown.

What I don't love is being allergic to my cats.

And apparently now my dog.

But it's okay, because I AM HOME UNTIL SUNDAY. Goddamn am I happy. My mood just improved like 9,000 gazillion points.

Muddlefink

2006-11-14T04:25:05Z

Dear Thanksgiving Break,

Please get here ASAP

Thanks muchly,

Darrah.

I never thought I would say this, but DEAR GOD do I miss Pittsburgh. At the same time I don't want to go back at all, I feel so completely isolated from it, and I know that when I go back I will be miserably out of the loop. But on the other hand I will take that over this. This is not what I want my life to be like. This = simply indifferent to people. I don't care, and that is pitifully sad. I have never not cared like this. I have become a cynical fire breathing bitch. I don't think that's a bad thing though. I'm enjoying being a bitch quite honestly. It's the whole not caring about ANYTHING that's bothersome.

Ah, woe is me.

In other news, my roommate is strange, and I just deal with her like I deal with everyone else right now. Ignorance is bliss; ne'er have there been truer words.

So how is everyone else's college life. I admit I am downright awful at keeping in touch, and I'm honestly curious. Most people haven't updated their journals in awhile, and it would be nice to hear from my LJfriends list. My AIM s/n is Phinavigator5 (don't ask about it) so please IM me or leave your screen name here and we can chat.